9 Quick Tips To Defuse Anger and End Arguments


Anger is a powerful emotion. If it isn’t handled appropriately, it may have destructive results for both you and your loved ones. Uncontrolled anger can lead to arguments, physical fights, physical abuse, assault and self-harm. On the other hand, well-managed anger can be a useful emotion that motivates you to make positive changes.


“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

 What is Anger?

Does the cat in this video remind you of anyone?

Have you ever felt this angry in your relationships?

We all get angry with our partners from time to time.

Try the following tips to help you to minimize the destructive effects of anger on you and your relationship:

9 Ways To Deal with Anger In Relationships

1. Address anger immediately.

The longer you wait the worse it gets. When you first start noticing the signs of anger, ask your partner what’s happening. Leaving an angry person to nurse her hurt makes things worse, not better.

2. Keep calm. 

Anger fuels anger, so the calmer you can remain, the quicker your partner’s anger subsides. Shouting at a partner in a rage escalates her anger, and joining a passive aggressive partner in sulking can make the situation continue for ever.

3. Acknowledge your partner’s feelings.

Openly saying ‘I can see you’re angry’ and, if appropriate, ‘I understand you’re angry about . . . ’ prevents your partner from feeling that she has to prove how she feels either by throwing her weight around or retreating into silence.

4. Show that you’re listening.

People often continue to be angry because they don’t think they’re being listened to or taken seriously. Use active listening techniques to be sure that your partner feels heard.This is done by repeating back to the other person what was said.

5. Share your feelings. 

If you’re feeling angry too, then say so. If you’re feeling nervous, upset or frustrated by your partner’s anger, then share that also. This is especially important with passive aggression, when a partner may want to deny that her behavior has any impact on you.

6. Be conciliatory.

Behave in a way that demonstrates that you want to make peace. That may mean saying you’re sorry or acknowledging your role in a problem, or reaching out physically.

7. Use the broken record technique.

Someone in the middle of a rage often jumps from one point to another without taking time to listen to what you’re saying, and someone who’s passive aggressive may continue to make the same jibe over and over again.The broken record technique can help you to stick to your guns, and to the point. Simply repeat, calmly but assertively, what you want to say. For example, ‘This was a misunderstanding, I didn’t mean what I said the way you heard it’ or ‘I know you’re angry, but I can’t change my work commitments.’

8. Try fogging.

This is a helpful technique to fend off unreasonable criticism, whether that’s through the nagging of passive aggression or in the midst of an angry outburst. Rather than arguing with your partner, you take the wind out of her sails by agreeing in part, or fogging.For example, if your partner’s accusing you of being selfish all the time, say, ‘I agree that sometimes I don’t think about the impact things have on you and I should try harder.’ Or if she’s angry with you for being late, you can say, ‘I’m sorry I was unavoidably late, and I should have rung you earlier to let you know.’

9. Make a negative assertion:

When criticism’s deserved, however it’s expressed, you may often be tempted to become defensive or try to justify yourself. Negative assertion stops an argument in its tracks by calmly and seriously agreeing with what’s been said. You say, ‘You’re right, I was wrong, I shouldn’t have . . . ’

In the end you may not be able to change your partner. But by implementing the simple strategies above you can make a lot of changes to benefit yourself, and in turn, your relationship. You just might find that your partner can’t help changing too.



Around the web:

Stop Arguing Your Relationship to Death 

Anger Management: How to Get Your Anger Under Control

How To Communicate During An Argument: 7 Quick Rules




  • Erin

    Reply Reply

    I came to this site to see how to diffuse my own anger, but as I was calming down, I did come to this site, and frankly, it pissed me off. I had just gotten out of an argument with someone and was trying to calm down, but seeing this article on how to calm down specifically your woman partner seemed highly unfair. The terms “their” and “they” could have easily been substituted for “her” and “she.” I hope you take this into consideration.

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