11 Steps To Insure You Never Get Promoted

11 Steps To Insure you never get promoted

Today we are coming at this from a little different angel (and with a little humor). It has been said to find people who are successful and mimic what they do and you will be successful too. Well… I believe it is equally beneficial to watch and learn from those that are not successful and do the opposite.

11 Steps To Insure you never get promoted

“Always remember that you are unique. Just like everybody else.”
– Unknown

Here are 11 actions you can take to make sure you never get that promotion.

 

1.   Be Late. Sleep in and have an excuse for everything. Blame it on the rain, the traffic, the carpool. Say you had car trouble or the alarm clock didn’t go off. The neighbor kid barfed on your shoes, the dog got out and ran away. You thought it was Sunday…

2.   Over promise and under deliver. Take on more than you can handle. Tell everyone what they want to hear. You need that project completed by Wednesday – give it to them the following Wednesday. Tell them you didn’t know that they meant this Wednesday.

  • Never do anything except exactly what you are paid to do – nothing extra.
  • If you notice the copier out of paper – don’t fill it –its not your job.
  • Somebody spill something in the break room – don’t help them clean it up – what are you the maintenance man now?

3.  Be disorganized. – the more clutter the better. See if you can have every square inch of your cubicle cluttered with nonsense. Stop at the dollar store on your lunch break. Spend a couple of hours in there and see how much nik nak junk you can buy for under $10 to camouflage your desk with. That way if the boss asks you for that report you will have a natural way out and buy yourself some time. Obviously – he can see that it is going to take you a while to find it – duh.

4.  Dress like a Hoosier.  Make sure your pants are high waters, your shoes track mud in the door, and your shirt – well that’s a no-brainer, who has time to iron. Skip the shower, splash some water on your face – you can brush your teeth after lunch.

5.  Have a negative attitude. Grumble about EVERY-SINGLE – MONDAY. Never skip a Monday. This is important. You must complain on every one of them. When people ask how you are doing – say things like “Oh I’m surviving”, or “Just another day in paradise” – such irony.

6.  Let others do the work. Do whatever you can to pass the time. Remember your favorite quote:

 

“Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow.” – Aaron Burr

 

Check your emails, Twitter, and Facebook in 15 min increments. When you notice your old girlfriend from high-school (who you secretly stalk) has changed her Facebook relationship status to “its complicated” make sure you let out a few loud grunts and sighs followed by a “No waaay” under your breath (but loud enough for the person in the next cube to hear).

7. Manners are overrated. Avoid the basics like please and thank you. Those are for suck-ups. There is no need to hold open doors anymore or offer anyone assistance who may be carrying a large load. When riding the elevator try to be the first one in and the first one off. Doesn’t matter if there are others waiting in front of you – push your way through – make it a game if you have to.

8. Be the drama. If there is a gossip group, make sure you are a part of it. If you hear a juicy discussion about one of your co-workers make sure you get up in that and offer your two cents. Exaggerate and make stuff up if you have to. Just make sure to involve yourself.

9. Never Ever Volunteer…for anything. This should come naturally. You don’t want to be in a position that requires any more work than you already have. Try to make a joke out of it. Nudge your neighbor and say something like “Volunteer? WTF – isn’t that like working for free? No way Jose”

10. Maintain Ignorance about the company you work for. Try to know only the bare minimum. The less you know the better. When people ask you what you do, you should be almost clueless. There is no need to fill your head with useless knowledge about your company. Isn’t that what CEO’s are for?

11. Never Take Responsibility for your actions. Lie if you must. There is always someone you can blame if you look hard enough. Remember the company owe’s you! Go ahead and give to yourself a little out of their pocket. They are the rich ones not you. Need some pens, extra paper, free internet? Save your bowel movements for the office if you can – may as well get paid for that time and get free toilet paper!

 11 Steps To Insure you never get promoted

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